Philadelphia Freedom (phone call)

Deuce glanced at the clock on the microwave, biting his lower lip as he walked across the room to where his phone was charging, unhooking it from the computer before sliding his thumb across the screen. He stared at Nick's name for a few seconds before touching it and putting the phone to his ear. "Please don't be at work."

Nick had gotten home from work about a half hour ago. He took a shower and had been lounging on the couch since in a pair of basketball shorts and a tee watching TV. He wasn't stressing at all over the fact that D was supposed to be breaking up with his girl tonight. Nope. Not at all. When his cell rang, his stomach did a little flip flop when he saw the picture of Deacon and him kissing pop up. He took in a deep breath and tried to act casual, "Hello?"

The smile that crossed Deuce's face at the sound of Nick's voice was completely unplanned, but the fact that just Nick's voice could make him feel like that was completely amazing. "Hey..."

"Hey," Nick couldn't help but smile nervously, "How's it going?" - Did you dump her?

"Things are good." The thought of teasing Nick and dragging it out crossed his mind, but tonight of all nights teasing would just be cruel. "You're talking to a single man."

 "Oh, yeah?" Nick's smile grew automatically, "How'd that go?"

"It was..." Deuce trailed off, not quite sure how to explain how the afternoon had gone. "I think she was expecting something else… She had wedding and bridal stuff on the brain and when I sat her down and she saw I was nervous…I think she got her hopes up."

"Shit...that must have been...damn." Nick surprisingly felt a pang of sympathy for the girl. Thinking Deacon was going to ask her to marry him only to be told things were over and, Oh by the way, those love bites I got in Boston? Yeah, they were from a guy. Must have been hard to take. Nick lost D once, but only after a long weekend, not two years. He could imagine the pain she must be feeling. Yet…Deacon was potentially his for the asking now, so he couldn’t bring himself to feel that bad.

"I don't think she believed me at first... she just looked so damn shocked. Then she told me she knew about the cheating and that I was already forgiven for it... But, I did find out something interesting from her once she was able to speak."

"What's that?" Nick asked.

Deuce laughed softly as he leaned against the kitchen counter. "I've been talking in my sleep... saying the name 'Nicky'.  She thought it was a woman..."

Nick's smile grew, "That's interesting."  He said, while inside he was doing a little Snoopy dance. So he really had been on Deacon’s mind, Nick could only imagine what he was dreaming about.

"She kinda stormed out when I told her that Nicky wasn't a woman... I've never seen her so pissed off."

"I bet, must have been quite a shock to her." Nick played with the hem of his shorts, "So before she stormed out, did you...like how do you know things are over? She might come back..."

Deuce shook his head slightly. "Even if she tries to come back, it's not going to do her any good. I told her that it was over. That I wasn't happy... that there was someone else."

Nick nodded. Damn he couldn't stop that fucking smile from returning. "So it's over? For good?"

"Yeah, it's over Nick. I told you I'd call when it was over and here I am." Deuce couldn't stop smiling as he moved across the room.

Nick cleared his throat. "How are you feeling? I mean, that couldn't have been easy."

"I'm not going to lie to you Nick, it wasn't easy... I mean, we were together for two years, you know? But..."

"So...you feel like you made the right decision, though? No doubts?" Nick knew the trepidation was evident in his voice, but at that point he didn’t have the resolve to hide it.

"No doubts. It feels like this weight has been lifted." Deuce settled in on the couch, smiling when Winchester hopped up next to him.

"That's good then."  Nick chewed his lip. "I mean it sucks you had to go through that, and for her, but...yeah, if your gut is telling you it was the right thing, than that’s good."

"I should have listened to my gut a while ago..."

"Well...if I was a woman you might have. I get what a shock that is..." Nick sighed, "I've liked guys since I was about fourteen and I’ve fought it a long time. Hell, I'm still adjusting to the fact that I'm more gay than bi...It's a big deal, D."

Deuce sighed softly as he propped his feet up onto the coffee table. "Do you know how many times I've told patients that it's perfectly normal and nothing to be ashamed of? And then I..."

"Easy to say, but not always easy to take our own advice." Nick got up to get another water out of the fridge, "I mean I never thought any less of gay men, definitely didn't think any less of Ty when he came out. If anything I think he’s even braver...but admitting that to myself...it's something I've struggled with a long time. Probably not until we..." hooked up. Had time together. The way I feel for you makes me brave. He set his water down and leaned against the counter, "I think I've finally come to accept that part of me."

Deuce smiled softly at that. "Oh yeah? That's good, Nick."

"All I'm saying is, it took me over twenty years. So...take your time with it."

"I know it's not going to be something I'm comfortable with overnight... but I do know what I want."

Nick couldn't help but smile again. Deacon sounded determined and confident, and damn all Nick wanted to do was catch the red eye to Philly and have D in his arms, but he wouldn't be able to take in if in a week or two Deacon had a freak out about the whole thing and changed his mind, "I need you to be sure. You should take some time..."

Deuce nodded. "I know you're worried Nick. Worried that she's going to come back to me and that I'm going to give in to her and that I'm going to hurt you again."

"Yeah, but not just that..." Nick sighed as he sat back down on his couch with his bottled water, "All of your friends, your family...hell, my friends and family. And we live so far apart...I just...if we're going to do this we need to do it right, yeah?" Nick had done a lot of thinking the past two weeks. Not just lamenting on what happened with D, but also about his choices in life. He planned on coming out to his family and friends. Not tomorrow, but soon…ish.

"I know... but, the important family of mine know. My parents, God, Dad is going to have a stroke." Deuce chuckled softly. "I'll shove Ty between us."

Nick smiled sadly, "But see, that’s the shit I want you to sleep on...take some time with. I don't want you to wake up in a day or a week like 'what the fuck did I do'...you're close with you family." If Deacon’s dad turned his back on him, he’d be crushed. It bothered the hell out of Ty, but Ty was made of a tougher skin than D and Nick hated to see him go through that. Besides the fact that if he wasn’t one hundred percent sure about things he might wind up resenting Nick in the long run.

"That's not going to happen. I'll admit it, this whole thing scares me, but it's a good kind of scared if that makes any sense..."

Nick nodded, "Oh, that makes perfect sense."

"So I'm not the only one that's scared as hell right now?"

"Of course I'm scared," Nick admitted, and he figured if D could make a big move tonight so could he, "You make me feel...vulnerable Deacon. I'm not used to feeling that way. But you also make me feel other things too. Good things."

Deuce smiled as he reached for the bottle of beer on the table, taking a long drink. "I know the feeling, Nick. It's like you can see something in me that no one has seen before."

"I get that" Nick agreed, and thought your eyes. Those damn eyes see right into my fucking soul. It felt entirely too long since Nick had gotten to look into them. "Man, I can't believe it's only been two weeks since you've left."

"Feels like so much longer, doesn't it?" Deuce smiled as he ran his finger around the opening of the bottle. "I know we need to sit and have a serious talk about everything, but I don't want to do it over the phone."

"Yeah, I agree." Nick took a long swallow from his water. "Plus it'll give us some time, ya know? Get to know each other a little bit more with clothes on!" Nick Laughed. "Figure out where we stand."

Deuce laughed softly and teased, "Clothes on? Where's the fun in that?"

Nick laughed again. "True. That's why it’s good we're not in the same state. We have time to get reacquainted, yeah? Make sure this is what we want...without the distractions. Because I know once I lay eyes on you..." Nick shook his head, "totally distracted!"  And I would  lose my resolve to take things slow.

"I think we may need supervision the first time we see one another!" Deuce laughed as he finished off the bottle and got to his feet to make his way into the kitchen. "I think it's the only way we're going to keep things g-rated!"

"Yeah, we'll go right to triple X." Nick smiled fondly remembering how they couldn’t keep their hands off of each other once they’d gotten started. He set his feet on the coffee table and crossed his ankles feeling lighter than he had in two weeks, "I think the time will be good for us though. Like...you can court me!" He laughed.

Deuce smirked as he let his accent slip into his voice. "Why, Nick O'Flaherty, do you want me to woo you?"

Nick licked his lips and grinned, the gravelly drawl in D's voice sending a shiver down his spine, and tried to put on a southern accent of his own, "Why yes Deacon Grady. I am a nice catholic boy after all."

“Oh, I don't know, my Mama warned me about you Catholic boys." Deuce couldn't keep the grin off of his face as he tossed the bottle into the trash.

"Lies, all lies, I'm perfectly innocent." Nick chuckled as he rested his head against the couch, "You gotta prove to me you're worthy to have my heart and get into my pants...well, back into my pants!"

Deuce smirked again as he pulled a can of Mountain Dew out of the refrigerator. "Two beers and a big bag of cheetos?"

"Maybe...for the pants part anyway." Nick teased, "Might take a bit more for the heart...like laughing at all of my jokes and possibly eating raw shellfish."

"Uh-huh... and just what do I get out of this deal?" God, Deuce had missed this. Missed being able to just let go, to talk to and tease Nick

"You get me!" Nick smiled wide, "I'm a lot to handle!"

Deuce hummed softly. "Not sure you're worth eating raw shellfish for…"

Nick taped his empty bottle of water on his leg. Damn, he missed D. It was so good to talk to him again like this. "I'll just have to find another southern gentleman to sweep me off of my feet then."

“Good luck with that. It's the Grady genes. You won't find them anywhere else but the mountains of West Virginia!" Deuce laughed as he leaned against the counter again.

"Fucking Grady's..." Nick teasingly grumbled. "I'll stay right here in Southie where I'm safe, thanks."

"Oh no. I know where you dock your boat. You're not safe!"

“Gonna sneak attack me?" Nick raised a brow.

"I just might. Ty has taught me some things... even a gimp can sneak up on someone with the right training."

"I'm Recon, there is no sneaking up on me, baby." Nick winced at his slip. It was just too easy with Deacon. Too easy to get lost in him...to fall for him.

"And I was taught by Recon and I'm damn good with a bat!" Deuce grinned at Nick's slip, the word "baby" humming along his brain.

"I have at least one weapon on every level of the boat. Plus, I know your weak spots..." Nick smirked. Yup, armpits, flank, junction of hip to groin, behind his ear, among other places…

"Just one? I think you're getting a little too trusting in your old age." Deuce couldn't help but tease him.

"I said at least one! Besides, my whole body is a lethal weapon.” Nick tossed his empty bottle into the recycle bin and went out onto the side deck.

"Oh, I know one part of you that's a lethal weapon."

Nick smiled as he rested his hand on the railing and looked out at the harbor. It was a beautiful night. He took in a deep breath and let it out, deciding to take a chance, "I'm glad you called, Deacon"

Deuce smiled at that as he leaned his head back. "I'm glad I called too, Nick. I've missed you."

"Me too...even just this. Talking and being stupid." Nick smiled. Funny how the weather reflected things. Raining before D left. Lots of rain since. Tonight? Clear and warm with a nice breeze. "I missed my friend if nothing else."

"I just missed everything. Being able to groan at your bad jokes, call you if I'm having a shitty day..."

"Yeah..." Nick watched as he ran his thumb along the railing, "Let's build on that, ok? Take it slow?"

"I can live with that... I think that's what we need."

"Me too. Individually and as...together." Nick stopped himself from using the word couple, it sounded too intimate right now even if that’s what he truly wanted.

Deuce smiled. He liked the sound of together. "I still want to see you in person... can you get off work sometime?"

"Not for awhile..." Nick scratched the back of his neck "Most of the guys like to do their family vacays in the summer and I cover a lot of shifts. I do have off a few days around the fourth, but I told Ty I’d come down…I'll have to check the calendar. Why, when were you thinking?"

"Anytime, really... I haven't taken an actual vacation from work since the disaster that was Zane's introduction to the Mountains."

"Oh, hell, you’re definitely due for a real vacation then.” Nick snorted, ”Kidnapping and mountain lion attacks that lead to your brother nearly dying sure as hell don't count!"

"I think it's a requirement for vacations to hate anyone with the last name of Grady!"

"Nah, Ty and I have had some good ones.” And some fucking insane ones too, but always a good time in the end. “Maybe I break the curse when I’m there."

"Anything has to be better than the last two vacations I've had..."

"Why? What happened on the one before that?" Nick asked hesitantly. Had it been with his girl?

"I ended up with food poisoning."

"Oh God! That suuucks.” Nick winced in sympathy, “Early on in the trip or at the end?"

"Second day we got there... ate in the restaurant attached to the hotel. I was sick for fucking days."

"Oh, man! Basically ruined the whole trip, huh?"

"Oh yeah... and of course the assholes left my sick ass in the cabin and went off and had fun without me!"

"Who, Ty?" Nick laughed

Deuce laughed as he ran his fingers through his hair. "Sounds like something he'd do, doesn't it?"

"Totally. He did it to me when I got sick in Tibet. Left me in the shithole hotel with a bucket, a pitcher of water and damp towel while he went off with some chicks for a three-way, or some shit. .." Nick shook his head and smiled at the awful memory, "Only time I ever had food poisoning. God I wanted to die."

Deuce burst into laughter at the mental image of that. "Sounds like Ty..! But no, I was with some friends from high school. Total assholes!"

“Bastards...the older the friend is, the more of an asshole they become." Nick had to chuckle because it was true in a way, but only in the best way possible because the familiarity was so strong. "Yeah, he patted me on the head, told me it would pass, and then I heard him whistling down the hall when he left. Uh, I wanted to beat his ass."

"Of course you did! At least Ty gave you a bucket. I had to crawl from the bedroom to the bathroom ‘cause I just didn't have the energy to get to my feet. I never want food poisoning again. Took a couple weeks to feel human again."

"Yeah, it sucks, man." Nick agreed and turned back to go inside, "My last few vacations have been action packed, I wouldn't mind just being a vegetable on an island next time. I mean, maybe a day or two of like scuba or something, but for the most part just chill."

"That sounds fucking amazing, actually. No phones, no computers, just warmth and nature and no people."

"Well, there might be people. I live on a yacht but I can't afford a private island!" Nick teased. "But yeah, no distractions and private enough I could swim naked in the ocean at night.”

"Sounds like more fun than my hot tub at night." Deuce laughed as he walked down the hall into the bedroom.

"Oh? You skinny dip in your hot tub?" Nick’s interest was piqued at the confession as he headed down stairs.

"Not like anyone is going to see me! And it feels damn good on my leg."

Nick licked his lips at the image. Naked, wet Deacon in a hot tub at night… "I like hot tubs." Nick informed him as he entered the master cabin and plopped down on his bed.

"You're just going to have to come to Philly then, aren't you?" Deuce kicked his shoes off, leaving them by the door as he walked across the room.

"Yeah...so we were saying...ah, do you want me to call you after work tomorrow and tell you what’s free on the calendar? Maybe I can come down…" Yeah, damn it, Nick was anxious to be near D, to have that talk and take it from there. 

"Yeah, that sounds good..." Deuce walked across the room, sitting down on the bed. "My schedule is more flexible than yours. Let me know when you can get off and I'll see what I can do on my end."

"Ok," Nick nodded as he pulled off his tee shirt, "Like I said, it might not be until a month or so...but yeah, I'd like it if we could get together."

"That works for me... wish it could be sooner, but I know it's a hard time to try to get off from work."

"Yeah. It's probably better for us anyway...in the long run. Make sure this isn't just physical with us, ya know?"  I know. Gotta be sure you do.

"I know, Nick. It's more than just physical for me. I know it might be hard to believe, but...I don't want anyone else."

"Good..." Nick smiled as he slid his shorts off and kicked them towards the hamper before lying down. "You must be exhausted. Long day."

"It's always a long day..." Deuce tugged his shirt off, finally starting to strip for bed.

"Emotionally draining, I meant.” Nick corrected himself.

"It's just been a really long few days..."

"Weird couple of weeks," Nick acknowledged.

"That's for sure..." Deuce finally kicked his pants off before crawling into bed.

"Going to bed?" Nick asked because he could hear the rustling of the blankets.

"Maybe... just getting more comfortable"

Nick closed his eyes and imagined Deacon in bed.  "Me too...does that cat sleep with you?"

Deuce laughed softly as the kitten curled up on his chest. "He's making himself comfortable as we speak!"

"Hmmm..." lucky cat "Well, I'll let you guys get comfy. We'll talk tomorrow."

"Get some sleep, Nick. You need it."

"I do, yeah." Nick nodded, he barely slept at all last night, his brain was in overdrive wandering if Deacon was actually going to go through with the break up. "Sleep good, ok."

"You too, Nick. We'll talk tomorrow, okay?"

"Sounds good.” Nick smiled, “Good night, D."

"Good night, Nicky... "

Nick's songs of the day

"Falling Slowly" ~ Lee Dewyze and Crystal Bowersox 

"Maybe" ~ Kelly Clarkson

I seem to use KC a lot. She has some powerful lyrics though, man.

Call of Confessions

Nick was sitting on his couch in the dark, never bothering to turn any lights on since he’d gotten home from the bar. He didn’t really have a good time tonight, his mind was in Baltimore instead of on Dean. Finally Nick excused himself, apologized profusely for not feeling well, and headed home. He’d been sitting there for almost an hour, drinking scotch and gathering his courage, before he sent Deacon that message to call him. His knee bounced rapidly as he waited for his phone to ring. When it did a few minutes later Nick slid his thumb across the screen to answer.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" he said in lieu of hello, trying to keep his voice calm but knowing he sounded pissed.

Oh yeah, Nick had been drinking, Deuce could tell that from just that first sentence. "Good evening to you too, Nick..."

Nick took in a deep breath through his nose. God damn it was good to hear D's voice. Bastard. "It could have been if I didn't get a message from my best friend calling me a piece if shit for going out on a date when I Fucked. His. Brother! What the fuck, D?!"

As glad as he was to hear Nick's voice, Deuce could tell that he was pissed, and not just from the booze. "I didn't exactly tell him... I just didn't deny it when he figured it out."

Nick took in another deep breath to try to calm himself, "And how did he figure it out Deacon? What did you say?"

Deuce sighed softly as he flopped down in one of the chairs. "Told him that I met someone when I was in Boston...someone special. Didn't give any names, but he figured it out..."

Nick rubbed his eyes, "Jesus Christ D. Then what? You all went out for ice cream? No warning? And what the fuck did you tell him, I fucked you over or something?"

"No! No, I didn't tell him that! I would never tell him that, Nick..." Deuce took a few minutes to compose himself as he tried to get his thoughts straight. "I just told him that you and I got together when we were in Boston... and that I fucked things up when I left."

"He acted like...like I was wrong for going out on a date" Nick got up to go to the liquor cabinet to refill his tumbler with scotch, "Meanwhile you’re fucking your girl, and posting about it!"

Deuce pulled his glasses off and rubbed his eyes as he sighed. "You know how Ty is... I told him that I didn't regret what happened... that you were different."

Nick snorted as he uttered quietly "Yeah, I'm different..." Before letting out a sigh of his own, "Glad you don't regret it D, but Jesus Christ did you have to out us like that for nothing? What if Ty didn't take it as well as he did? What if I lost him just for a good fuck?"

"He's my brother, Nick! You know we don't keep shit from one another! Not telling him was killing me." Deuce shook his head slightly as he leaned his elbows on the table. "And you're more than a good fuck."

 "Yeah. Thanks. A good fuck buddy than." Nick sat back down on the couch, "All I'm saying is, it would have been nice if we discussed it first. I mean, I know I'm an inconvenience to talk to since I remind you of the guilt you feel for fucking around on your girl and all, but fuck.”

"Dammit, Nick, that's not what I meant either!"

"No? Because it sure as hell felt like it!" Nick took a long swallow from his glass.

Deuce took a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself down."I told him I was falling for you."

Nick sighed and ran a hand through his hair as he leaned back against the cushions, "Yeah? Thinking about me while your girl is serving you coffee naked? I just...this is pointless. What's done is done.

 "I really, really fucked up Nick... and I'm sorry..."

Nick clenched his jaw as his stomach tightened. It would be so easy to just accept D's apology so they could work things out, but Nick didn't want to go down that road and end up with nothing. "It's done. Whatever."

Deuce sighed softly as he leaned back, propping his legs up on the table. He knew that Nick was hurt and upset and he understood, but it still hurt that he was acting like this. "Nick, I..."

“Take care, alright D." Nick cut him off. He was on the verge of saying things he didn't want to, revealing how hurt he was.  "And the next time you want to do something that could potentially affect one of the most important relationships in my life? Give me a heads up, yeah?"

Deuce shook his head slightly, barely keeping himself from saying something he would regret in the morning. "This is Ty, you two have been through hell together, he'd never fuck things up with you."

"You don't know that, D. You’re his little brother. If he thought I fucked you up..." Nick shook his head, "If he had to choose, he'd choose you. I don't have many healthy relationships in my life Deacon. I need him."

"And he needs you. When you weren't speaking after the kiss and everything that happened, and he went from talking to you everyday to not at all, he was calling me more than ever and going crazy ‘cause he wasn't talking to you..."

"That's nice to hear but...it doesn't change the fact that things could have gone differently tonight." Nick tipped back his glass to empty it then got up for a refill.

Deuce could hear what Nick was doing, giving a soft sigh. "Don't fill that glass back up, Nicky... please."

Nick laughed without humor, "What the fuck is the difference, D? Really?"

"I'm worried about you, Nick..." Deuce leaned his head back and closed his eyes. "I'm not worth all of this."

Nick snorted thinking, Yes, yes you are. I feel so much for you I need to numb the pain. "Don't flatter yourself."

"So it's just coincidence that all of this damn drinking started when I fucked things up..."

"Yup." Nick lied.

Deuce groaned as he rubbed his fingers through his hair, not believing anything that Nick was telling him. "You suck at lying to me."

"What do you want to hear Deacon!?" Nick yelled, feeling vulnerable and backed into a corner. He really didn't like that feeling, "That you crushed me when you chose Livi over me? That every day you sounded like you were fine was like a stab to my heart? That I haven't..." Nick cut himself off as his voice started to give out.

"I’m not fine, Nick!" Deuce took a breath before finally confessing to him. "I can't stop thinking about you. Can't stop day dreaming about Boston. I'm not sleeping... the circles under my eyes rival yours right about now. God, Nicky, I'm so far from fine..."

"But you fucked Livi the other day?" Nick asked, his voice calm. God it was good to hear D admit these things but still..."And you’re still with her now?"

Deuce’s voice was soft as he nods his head slightly. "For the moment, yeah... she's out of town until Wednesday."

"Then what you feel for me is irrelevant." Nick said as he set his empty glass in the sink, never refilling it. "You need to figure your shit out first."

"I swear, Nick...as soon as I see her, I'm telling her it's over."

"Ok," Nick nodded as he leaned against the sink and crossed his ankles, "I'm sure that's what you intend, until you see her again and she cries or something."

"Please, just believe in me, Nick. I'm ending things. She's not who I want to be with."

 "Well, when things are done with her you should probably still take some time to figure shit out. I mean up until two weeks ago you considered yourself straight. That's a big adjustment."  Nick said. And I don't want to get my hopes up just to get let down.

"I have been thinking, Nick... and there's only one thing I'm thinking about."

"Don't say it D. Not now..." Nick's heart was pounding at what Deacon was implying. Fuck he wanted him so badly, but he couldn't put his heart on the line while Deacon was still with his girl. Nick needed to be sure that D was sure.

“I know, Nick. It's not fair for me to talk to you about all of this when there's still someone else in the picture."

Nick nodded and swallowed. "Yeah," he agreed quietly.

"Nick, I swear... just give me a few days."

"Take all of the time you need, Deacon. I'm not saying I'm waiting...just" Nick closed his eyes and tossed his head back with a sigh, "Just call me when you’re free and you’re sure. I mean I need you to be one hundred and ten percent sure, yeah? You understand?"

Deuce nodded slightly, forgetting that Nick couldn't see him. God, this would be so much easier in person. "I understand Nicky, I do... I never meant to hurt you like this... I've felt like such an ass."

Nick sighed, "I get why you were confused, I just...when it seemed like you didn't even give shit..."

"Of course I cared! I'm hurt that you thought I didn't. But I do understand, and I do deserve it."

"I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I'm just being honest. When I'm sitting here alone...The first few days I thought for sure you would call back, but when you didn't… And then the shit you would post." Nick walked around the salon making sure the door was locked and all of the shades were pulled, "I don't know, D."

"I know you're hurting, Nick, and I know it's my fault. I had to put on the happy face. For Livi, my patients, for my brother... if we both started acting like that he would have figured it out even sooner...It was just easier to keep the facade up than to let that mask slip."

"Yeah, I get that. But...were you planning on breaking up with her before tonight?" Nick asked tentatively.

"Yeah, I was, actually..."

“Ok…”Nick smiled a little. Right answer. "...ok."

"She's with a couple of friends and some wedding and bridal thing and they're having a long girls weekend, but as soon as she gets back, we're sitting down and having a talk that she's not going like... I'm telling her everything"

Nick's smile grew, he'd thought the bridal thing was for Livi, "I'm sure it’s been killing you not to."

Deuce could hear the smile in Nick's voice and it made him smile. "It has been, yeah... but she deserves to know... and you deserve someone that doesn't have a girl at home."

Nick blinked. Was this really going to happen? Were he and D going to make something work? "You deserve to be happy too, ya know"

Deuce smiled at that, rubbing his eyes tiredly. "Give me a few days and I'm sure I finally will be."

Nick grinned, if D called him in a few days...but Nick’s brain yelled at his heart not to get its hopes up. To be smart and take things slow, even if Deacon was single. "Well, good luck. I hope things work out like you want them to." Like I want them to.

"I hope so too... I guess I'll find out in a few days if the person I want wants to give me a chance or not." Find out if you want to give me a chance or not.

"Hope she doesn't kill you so you have a chance to be with that person." Nick couldn't help but laugh.

Deuce stifled a yawn as he hooked his glasses to the collar of his t-shirt. "I'll have to keep the old bat nearby, just in case!"

"Yeah," Nick headed down to his cabin, "Well, maybe we'll talk in a few days then, yeah?"

"I'll call you in few days... and with my luck, you'll be at work and I'll be screwed!" Deuce laughed softly as he picked up his own glass, pushing himself up out of the chair.

"I am covering a few shifts this week..." Nick worried his lip, "But, we'll talk."

"Hey, even if I have to call your ass at six in the morning, we're gonna talk."

Nick laughed, "I won't be coherent."

Deuce laughed quietly as he let himself inside, making his way toward the guest room trying to keep his voice down. "You'll wake up eventually."

Nick slipped out of jeans and tee, tossing them in the hamper, and climbed into bed without turning any lights on, "Eventually. After I've said some crazy shit."

"Fuck!" Deuce cursed through gritted teeth as his shin cracked into the table in the hall. "Dammit, why does he have a table here?!"

"The one in the hall? I've done that a million times." Nick nodded in sympathy.

“Yes that one! He might come home one day and this table will be gone." Finally Deuce made his way up to the spare room and closed the door behind him. "Ah, made it mostly in one piece!"

Nick laughed, "To sleep on that fucking futon. Hate that thing.”

"I think for Christmas, I'm buying him an actual bed for this room.

"I'll chip in..." Nick cleared his throat. He didn't mean it like that, but maybe they'd be able to give it as a couple by them. "My bed is very comfy!" He smiled as he stretched.

"Oh, I remember..." Deuce grinned as he crawled into bed. "Wait until I get you to Philly and you see my bed."

Nick smiled, liking that idea, but reminded himself again to chill, "Just call me in a few days and we'll take it from there, huh?"

Deuce smiled as he turned off the lamp on the table, snuggling under the blankets. “I will... and we'll see what happens, yeah? Get some sleep, Officer O'Flaherty."

"You too D. Sleep good."

"I'll call you in a few days, Nick."

"Ok, sounds good...Good night." Nick closed his eyes, thinking maybe he’d actually get a good night sleep tonight.

"Good night, Nicky..." Deuce hung up with a smile on his face, looking down at the picture of him and Nick before it disappeared.

Nick's songs. Not necessarily how he feels. 

this night specifically, but for the past week

"Try to Sleep With a Broken Heart" ~ Alicia Keys

"Addicted" ~ Kelly Clarkson

Saturday Morning Phone Call

Early Saturday Morning...

A soft stream of light filtered into the bedroom from the small nightlight in the bathroom and the light from the moon coming in through the open window, illuminating the two naked bodies in the large bed. Livi shifted slightly as she raised herself up onto her elbow, well-manicured fingers trailing over Deuce’s chest. Her fingers lightly trailed over his nipples, smiling softly when he arched a little in his sleep but didn’t stir, the smile quickly turning into a frown as her fingers moved up to rub over the healing bite mark on her boyfriends shoulder. She had first noticed it when she had stripped off his shirt on the couch earlier, but no matter how much she wanted to ask, she just let it slide.

Things had been strained between them lately and when he had called to tell her that he was staying in Boston for a few more days, she should have been able to sense that something was wrong. And when he came home, he had such a guilty look on his face she immediately knew that he had met someone. She never imagined that Deuce would be the kind to cheat, but the evidence was right there on his neck; the bite marks from some woman he had met at the conference no doubt. A woman who was still on his mind. He had been distant since he’d gotten home, even when they had had sex last night, she could tell that his mind was a million miles away.

She knew he felt guilty. She could tell by the way he had held her tonight, almost as if he had been afraid to let her go. Livi sighed softly as she looked down to the foot of the bed where Winchester was sleeping on Deuce’s feet, shaking her head slightly. That cat was completely devoted to Deuce and if it wasn’t so cute to see the little orange ball following him around constantly, it would have been annoying to have to fight the kitten for her boyfriend’s attention.

“I love you, Deacon…” she whispered softly, kissing his cheek as she cuddled up next to him, smiling when his arm wrapped around her, pulling her closer as she closed her eyes and finally fell asleep.

Deuce quietly slipped out of bed, being careful not to wake his sleeping girlfriend, leaning over to brush her lips with a soft kiss before pulling on a pair of boxer-briefs and a pair of well-worn jeans before moving into the bathroom. He was completely lost in thought as he went about his morning routine, practicing what was going to be a very, very rough conversation in his head. He limped toward the kitchen, pouring himself a cup of coffee as he leaned against the counter, his eyes closed. His first smile of the day came from the feel of tiny kitten claws digging into his jeans as Winchester meowed and climbed up his leg, demanding breakfast in the way that only kittens can.

“Okay, okay, breakfast for the kitty.” he laughed softly as he poured some food into a bowl, leaving it on the counter as he picked up his cell phone, glancing toward the bedroom to make sure that Livi was sleeping before stepping out onto the terrace, not wanting to risk being overheard. He knew that Livi had seen the marks on his neck and collarbone the night before and that he had been lucky as hell that she hadn’t mentioned anything about them.

He lowered himself into one of the chairs with a soft sigh, checking the time to make sure it wasn’t insanely early. 8:45… he wasn’t sure what Nick worked today, but he knew it was now or never before he lost his nerve. He swiped the front of the phone, hitting Nick’s name in his contacts with a shaky thumb.

Nick hadn’t spoken to Deacon in two days. He’d been trying to give D space to navigate the choppy waters in Philly and figure out what he wanted. Nick knew that Deacon not being as straight as he thought he was was a lot to deal with in itself, let alone figuring out where his relationship stood with his long time girl. He figured the guilt was probably eating away at D no matter what, it was just the kind of respectable guy Deacon was. God, Nick missed him, he’d been thinking about Deacon almost none stop since he’d left and had picked up his phone a million times wanting to send a text of call. Today, he decided, would be the day he’d call D to see how he was doing. Nick had gotten up early, back to not being able to sleep since Deacon left, though he hadn’t actually had any nightmares he just felt the absence of Deacon in his bed too strongly to get any proper rest. He’d gone out onto the back deck to read the paper with his coffee, resolving that as soon as he was done he was calling D. He’d just finished up the sports page when his phone rang and he smiled when he saw Deacon’s name, along with the picture that Nick had snapped of them kissing, pop up on the display. It seemed he and Deacon were still on the same wave length even all of these miles apart.

Deuce took a deep breath and closed his eyes once he heard Nick’s voice, steeling himself for the conversation that was about to happen. “Hey... We need to talk...”

Nick’s smile faded at the tone of Deacon’s voice combined with the dreaded words he’d used, “What's up?”

Deuce sighed softly, his voice hesitant at the sound of Nick’s voice. “That was probably the shittiest way in the world to start a conversation, huh...?”

Nick smiled sadly around the pit in his stomach, “I've heard worse.”  Not really

 “You're lying.” Deuce couldn’t help a small smile, trying his best to keep his voice upbeat despite how he was feeling.

“Maybe,” Nick snorted, than let out a little sigh. “No, really. You don't have to say anything, D...” Please don’t say what I know you’re going to say, Nick thought, I don’t need to hear the words.

“No, I do... you need an explanation... This week was...” God, Deuce couldn’t even finish his sentence. There was no way to put the last few days into words.

“Amazing...” Nick uttered. “But I get it.”

Deuce smiled at that. Amazing. That was one way of putting it. “Yeah, yeah it was fucking amazing...” He went quiet for a moment or two, hesitating as he tried to gather his thoughts.  “Livi knows that I was with someone... kinda hard to miss the bite marks...”

“I'm sorry…” and Nick was. Not really for putting them there, but for causing Deacon any kind of trouble.

 “No, no don't apologize... she hasn't said anything... but the look in her eyes? Yeah, she knows...” Deuce sighed softly as he leaned his head back, fingers going to unconsciously touch the healing marks on his collar bone.

Nick swallowed hard and waited...so, maybe this wasn't going to be a bad call? Maybe they’d broken up? “And...?" he tentatively prompted.

“The guilt whenever she looks at me...” Deuce took a shuddering breath, knowing that what he was about to say was going to hurt Nick. “We've been together for two years...I love her.”

And there it was. . So, not a good call than. Nick looked down as hope faded, “Yeah...yeah, or course you do, D. Like I said, I get it. I...it wasn't like I was expecting anything anyway.” He squeezed his eyes shut at the lie.

“We may not be able to fix things, but we have to try...” Deuce paused for a moment as he swallowed hard; he hadn’t realized exactly how difficult this conversation would be.

Nick kept his eyes closed and rested his head back on the outdoor couch,”You should. She...she's probably a good girl.” Fuck that hurt to say.

Deuce smiled sadly as he closed his eyes, knowing Nick didn’t mean anything he was saying about Livi. “Wouldn't have stayed for so long if she wasn't.”

“I'm not exactly a relationship kind of guy.” Nick pinched the bridge of his nose and faked a laugh, “and you are, ya know? So...you guys should be happy.”

Deuce could hear the hurt in Nick’s voice, and knowing that he was the reason for his pain just added to the guilt on his shoulders. “I'm so, so sorry Nick...”

“No, no don't be sorry D, really. I...” Nick sat up and steeled himself to go on with this conversation and maintain an air of a blasé attitude, even if it was all fabricated. He felt bad that D sounded so guilty and he didn’t want him to. “I wasn't expecting anything, honestly. I...that's not me. You're doing the right thing. I wouldn't want you to break up with your girl because of me."

 “God, I had so much fun with you...” Deuce uttered.

Nick forced a smile on his face to make his voice sound more casual, “Yeah, yeah. It was fun. We had a good time.”

Deuce ran his finger around the rim of his coffee cup, needing to keep his hands busy. “Things are going to get really fucking awkward now, aren't they...?”

“No way, are you kidding me? We're friends, first and foremost.”  Nick took in a deep breath and tried to lie as convincingly as he was able. Maybe if Deacon got pissed he’d stop feeling so bad. “Besides, do you think you're the first person I've fucked for days and then just remained friends with afterwards? I told you, no big. I wasn't picking out wedding dresses or anything.” He added in a false laugh.

Okay. That hurt. Deuce might have deserved it, but it still fucking hurt. “Maybe it wasn't a big deal to you.... I don't do stuff like that, Nick.”

Fuck! Nick scrubbed his face feeling even worse. He didn’t want to hurt Deacon. “Fuck, D...I just don't know what to say here…”

“No, no it's okay, Nick... it was just a weekend of firsts, that's all...  First time for everything and all that.” Deuce shrugged.

Nick sighed, losing his battle to act laid-back, “Yeah...I know.” Believe me. “I just...I don't want you to feel bad about anything Deacon. It...it meant a lot to me, ok? I don't want you to think it didn't, it's just...you're making the right decision. You are.”

Deuce sighed softly, unable to bring himself to agree with Nick.

“Hey!” Nick tried to get back his upbeat tone, “I mean it Deacon. It's cool. We're cool. I'm a big boy; I've been alone along time. I'm fine.

 “Things will work out... for all of us.” Deuce tried to reassure Nick and himself.

“Absolutely,“ Nick agreed, although he didn’t believe it at the moment, “And we're still friend, yeah? So we have this little...secret between us now. They're good memories for just us to have...and I'll still save all of my good jokes for you!”

Deuce laughed softly, feeling a little lighter. “You better get a new joke book if you're telling me good jokes.”

“I'll do that.” Nick smiled sorrowfully and had to clear his throat because it felt tight, “If...if you need me to stay away I'll respect that. I don't want to make things...weird for you. I mean, maybe a little space would be good, huh? For both of us?

Deuce nods his head slightly, forgetting for a moment or two that Nick couldn’t actually see him doing it. “For a little while at least.”

“Ok, yeah.” Nick leaned forward and rested his elbow on his knee and hung his head.  “I think that's a good idea.”   No I fucking don’t. I’m lying Deacon; I hated not talking to you for two days, how am I supposed to go for longer…

Deuce pulled his glasses off, laying them on the table before rubbing his eyes “Just for a little while...anything long term and I might go into bad joke withdrawal.” Come on baby, smile for me.

 Nick rubbed his face as he sat back and turned his head to look out over the water. Jesus, he was sitting where they’d had their first kiss. Where he'd had his head in Deacon's lap on that last night and D had played with his hair. He'd never feel that again. God, how he'd loved that.   “Deacon, I...” but he couldn’t finish because his throat got tight again. What was he going to say anyway? Deacon, I miss you? Deacon, I love you? Deacon I can make you happy, happier than she can, choose me?

 “I know, Nicky, I know... but we knew we had to go back to reality... and fuck, it sucks.” Deuce’s voice sounded tight as he looked over the edge of the terrace at the water, mentally not seeing the river he was looking at, but instead the open ocean where he had spent so much time with Nick.

“Yeah,” Nick cleared his throat and forced a laugh, “yeah it kinda does…But it's all good. Really. No hard feelings, at all. I just...I just have a lot of good memories.”  He nodded to himself in acknowledgment, a lot of good memories. Nick glanced behind him to where Deacon had snuck up and fucked him last Tuesday, “I'll never look at the stern of my boat the same way again!”

 “Great memories, huh..? I'm never gonna forget this week...” A short burst of laughter left Deuce’s lips at Nick’s words. “Or your couch... or that damn timer.”

Nick’s lips formed into the first legitimate smile since the conversation had started, “Fucking timer!”

 “Two more seconds! That's all we fucking needed!” Deuce was still laughing as he got up and walked over to the edge of the balcony, leaning his elbows against the ledge with a smile.

Nick longed to go back a week to that fateful night. Longed for all of it. “I think we more than made up for it, baby.”

Deuce sucked his breath; his heart ached at the sound of being called baby. “You know we did... had to make up for weeks of flirting.”

“Hell yeah.” Nick agreed as he rested his head back again, “I'm gonna have to eat protein bars for the rest of the week to replenish!”

“Fuck the morning trips to the gym and the pool! I don't think I've ever burned so many calories so quickly.” The laugh was back again. That was one thing Deuce loved about Nick, the ability to make him smile no matter what else was going on around him.

“I know...I know. I think I held up pretty good for an old man.” Nick smiled as an image popped into his mind, “Of course you in your nerd glasses is like natural Viagra.”  

Deuce smirked a bit at that, finally giving Nick the confession that he knew he wanted. “You know I wore them on purpose, right? Knew they'd drive you completely insane.”

“Oh, I know it! Tried to fucking kill me...” Ah, and wouldn’t that be a spectacular death? Nick smiled, “You're lucky you got to wear clothes at all the last three days!”

 “I wouldn't have complained about the nudity!” And Deuce would have made Nick stay naked too. He just couldn’t get enough of the sight of Nick’s naked body.

“Mmm...” Nick’s already deep voice went lower with the visual, “Neither would I.”

 “Do you have any idea how close I was to ripping that fucking uniform off of you on Wednesday?” If they’d had more than just a few minutes to get to the airport, Nick would have been half naked in a matter of seconds. The next time he was in Boston… Deuce’s thoughts trailed off, mentally reminding himself that there wasn’t going to be a next time in Boston. Or anywhere else.

 “Hmmm...”  Nick smiled as he sat up, “Woulda been the best reason to be late I ever had.”

Deuce closed his eyes, picturing Nick in his uniform in his mind, a smile crossing his face. “Couldn't stop staring at you...”

Nick started scrubbing at a mark on the table with his thumb, “Didn't take my eyes off of you all six days...”

 “I tried to behave myself the first two days! Our date and then that almost kiss.... I behaved, promise...” They had both been doing their best to behave and to keep things completely civil and along the line of friendship, but as time passed, the desire to cross that line kept getting harder and harder to resist.

“Fuck, I earned Sainthood for not making a move on you.” Nick chuckled, “You have no idea the thoughts I was I having during dinner that night...well both nights really.”

The confession fell from Deuce’s lips before he could stop himself, knowing that Nick would probably kill him for it later. “And you don't know what I did after I went to bed those first two nights...”

Nick stopped scrubbing at the table and swallowed. Did D mean…? Did he really…? “You...fuck, no you didn't...”

The smirk was evident in Deuce’s voice as he thought of his nights in the dark with Nick a few rooms away. “Oh yeah, I did... like you didn't.”

“Pfft...” Nick furrowed his brow and shook his head like ‘come on’, “Fuck yeah I did! It took all of my self control not to excuse myself and do it in the bathroom! Watching you eat is like an aphrodisiac.”

 “Don't think that the people at the restaurant would have appreciated it!” Kept bumping your leg under the table at dinner. It was a date. We both know it was… 

“You never know.” Nick smiled, “Wanted to drag you in there with me. Jesus, Deacon, I had a chubby for most of the night.”

“And that first night, if you had tried... I don't think it would have ended well for either of us…” As much as his crush on Nick was starting to grow that first night, anything besides how they ended the night would have been entirely too soon. Deuce would have pushed him away and he would have spent the rest of his weekend at the nearest hotel.

“No...no.” Nick shook his head in agreement, “I knew it was a bad idea, just like the second night. Man, I was still trying to process...” he smiled and ran his hand over the rough tan fabric of the outdoor couch, “but that look in your eyes after we talked that third night...I knew you were feeling me too. As soon as we kissed...there was no stopping then. We were like a freight train.”

 “I don't think I was ready before then... if that kiss had happened the second night, it would have just made things awkward... and I would have left on Sunday as planned and...” We never would have spent all of that time together.

“No, it happened when it should have...” Nick nodded still looking at the seat cushion, “…definitely when it should have...I'm really glad you stayed.”

 “Yeah, me too…this week after I got home has been completely insane, but it was so worth it.” You were worth it.

Nick grinned, “I'm happy you think it was.”

“How could I think anything else..? I wish things could be different, Nicky... I really do” Deuce sighed softly as he moved back over to the table, sitting down heavily, hating how his brain kept moving back to the “what ifs.”

“No, no...don't.” Nick licked his lips. Man, he didn’t want Deacon feeling bad about this, “It's ok, really. It's all good, baby. It's all good. As cliché` as it sounds, I'm thankful for what we had.”

Those words brought a smile to Deuce’s face. It might have been a little one, but it was still a smile. “That makes two of us...” There was a second or two pause before Deuce continued, unable to stop his worrying about the man he was falling for. “Hey... you sleeping?”

“Yeah. Really well, actually.” Nick answered. Hey, what’s one more lie to add to this chat? He decided to change the subject quickly though, he really didn’t like being deceitful, especially with Deacon. “Start school on Tuesday night.”

Even though Deuce knew that Nick was lying, he put on another smile, knowing that Nick would be able to hear it in his voice. “See? Told you we'd find a way to get you to sleep...! School, huh? I'm proud that you're going back”

Nick smiled, “Don't be proud until we see how I do. It's been a long time since I've had to study. But, thanks.”

“If you need anything, just call, okay? I've been through a hell of a lot of school and studying over the years…” Any reason to talk to Nick was a good reason to Deuce.

Nick chewed his lip, knowing he wouldn't call, “Like a private tutor? That could be hot!”

“I'll only do it for you!” Deuce smiled as he leaned his elbows on the table, running his fingers through his hair.

“Hmmm...Aggressive therapy and tutoring” Nick feigned a laugh, “I'm special.”

“ Yeah, yeah you are...” Deuce’s voice trailed off.

Nick sighed and leaned back on the couch, feeling overcome with sadness again, “So are you, baby. So are you.”

Deuce could feel the sadness between them over the line, closing his eyes for a moment or two. “We okay...?”

“We're great.” Nick smiled unhappily, “How could we be anything else? It's us, D.”

 “Gotta keep driving one another crazy online. Ty would have us both committed if we didn't...” Deuce forced a laugh, knowing that things were going to be awkward between the two of them for a while. Maybe permanently.

“Yeah, definitely.” Nick plucked at a stray thread on the back of the cushion, “I'll be busy with school and shit, so I probably won't have as much time to go on the computer anyway. So...” he shrugged.

 “Yeah.... I've been getting complained at for all my computer time and late nights the past few weeks...” Livi had been driving Deuce crazy about his computer time, about how she always went to bed alone lately and was lucky if he joined her before three am.

Nick had to clench his jaw as his jealousy flared, “Mmm, well. You better cut back then.”

 “Yeah, probably... but I've gotten so used to my quiet time at night with the glow of the computer in a dark room and a kitten at my side...” Deuce was going to miss that. Miss the hours spent just chatting with Nick about nothing and everything at the same time. God, this was going to suck.

“Yeah, I've gotten used to...yeah” Nick let out a short laugh, “Anyway...” he sighed.

“You need something to keep you company...” Like me

“That's never been a problem for me.”  Nick answered automatically. And so what if there was a small, immature part of him that hoped Deacon would get jealous at that thought.

“So I've heard...!” Deuce tried to keep his voice teasing, but his stomach clenched at the thought of Nick with anyone but him.

 “Hey, I'm sexy, what can I say.” The truth was Nick couldn’t imagine having sex with anyone else right now. He wandered if D had had sex with Livi since he's been home. Probably. Fuck, that hurt.

“Mmm don't I know it?” Deuce teased with a light smile. Sexy was just one of the many words he’d used to describe Nick over the past few days.

Nick laughed, “So you see, I'll be just fine.”

 “You better be...” The smile on Deuce’s face fell when he looked toward the closed door to see Livi walking in his direction, lowering his voice a bit, the regret obvious in his tone. “I should let you go.”

“Yeah, yeah, ok” But Nick wanted to remind Deacon a little bit about how he felt, “Ah...D?”

Deuce smiled a little, already knowing Nick’s tricks for keeping him on the phone. “Yeah?”

“Just remember, I've got your back, yeah?” Nick closed his eyes, “Always. I'm...I'm here. I've got you.” Waiting, if you change your mind...

 “I've got you too, Nick... this doesn't change that. I've always got your back.” Those little words had never meant more to Deuce than they did now. And he was telling the truth. No matter what happened, he was always going to have Nick’s back.

“Yeah…I know,” but no matter how much D wanted to mean that, Nick knew he couldn’t really. He had to have Livi’s back first, above Nick’s. “I'll ah...I'll talk to ya, when I talk to ya... Take care, ok. Be happy. You deserve that. Really, baby. You deserve that.” And Nick meant that, every word of it. He wanted Deacon to be happy, he truly did. Yeah, he’d have preferred it to be with him, but still…

 “So do you, Nicky... I'll talk to you later, okay? Good luck, with everything...” Deuce knew that he should end the call and pay attention to the woman that was watching him from the closed door, but he didn’t want to let Nick go just yet. He didn’t know the next time he would get to talk to him.

“Yeah. Thanks.”  Nick cleared his throat, “I'll...keep you updated with my posts and shit.” Please don’t hang up yet...I just want to hear your voice a little longer.

 “Yeah, yeah you better throw in a few bad jokes for me too, okay?” Those damned jokes had been the first sign that Nick was flirting… and they clued Deuce in to the fact that he just might have been flirting back.

“Of course.” Nick nodded even though he didn’t intend to, not for awhile at least, “I'll see about getting a new joke book.”

“You better or I'm sending you one!” Deuce laughed softly. He’d found himself looking at joke books online, trying to find the best one to send to Nick, just to let him know that he was still thinking about him.

“Ok, ok...” Nick took in a deep quiet breath, then another.

Deuce sighed softly as he rubbed his eyes. “Go try and salvage your weekend... I know I just blew it all to hell... for both of us”

“Nah, it's all good. You should enjoy your weekend.” Nick said, although he hoped D wouldn’t enjoy it too much, “I'm gonna head over to my boys house tonight, his wife is throwing a birthday party for him so...that should be cool.” Not really.  Nick thought, It's gonna fucking suck putting on a happy face when I feel like shit.

“Sounds like a pretty good time...!” Deuce forced a smile as he glanced toward the door. “I don't have much planned... just bumming around the condo.”

“Well, that can be fun..." Nick answered, remembering the fun they’d had just lounging around the 580.

 “Might go to a game... just to get out of here... maybe it'll make me stop thinking so much. I'm discovering that my brain is dangerous...” The last thing Deuce wanted was to think about their downtime on the yacht. It would just lead to him making another phone call and maybe making things even worse.

“There's a lot of you that's dangerous.” Nick snorted, “D is for dangerous!”

The laugh that left Deuce’s throat was the most genuine one he’d had the entire conversation. “I'm a dangerous weapon!”

“Mmmhmm...” Nick smiled. “I'd say. You're definitely packing a war head in your pants.”

 “Oh no, that's kept in your pants! Like your cock better than mine...” And here they were again. Despite the fact things were ending between them, they couldn’t bring themselves to keep the conversation at a PG level.

Nick was instantly turned on by those words. “No way, baby. You're cock...” Nick forced himself to stop, knowing that this line of discussion wouldn’t be productive “…we'll just have to agree to disagree.”

Deuce groaned softly when he realized what he had started. “Shit... sorry, Nick. It just slips out around you now...”

Nick smiled, “I don't view that as a bad thing, no need to apologize!” Shit if Deacon liked his cock, if Nick’s cock was the only one D ever had the opportunity to view up close and personal besides his own, Nick could appreciate that.

“God, the next time we –“ Deuce broke off his sentence, stopping himself suddenly as it finally hit him that there wasn’t going to be a next time for them.

Nick swallowed the pang of sadness that rose up. There isn't gonna be a next time, Deacon He decided to give D a way out of finishing that thought, “The next time we get together for dinner, it’s on  you, yeah?”

Sadness filled Deuce’s voice as he nodded slightly. “Yeah, dinner is on me... if I've paid off the credit card with the bill you all racked up at the restaurant!”

Nick laughed, “Told ya. Shoulda took us to McDonald's.”

“And you all would have bitched the entire time!” Deuce faked another laugh, trying to keep things light between them.

“And that's different, how?” Nick teased, “We're all gonna bitch about something, regardless.”

“Yeah, but at least the steak kept you quiet for a while.” Deuce wasn’t going to forget that dinner. The way that Nick had pushed Kelly aside and had claimed the seat next to him. They hadn’t had a chance to talk much that night, but it had been enough for him to finally admit he was crushing on the other man.

“My nerves kept me quiet.” Nick smiled fondly at the memory, “and the view.” God, Deacon took his breath away.

“Yeah, me too... seeing you that night, having you pressed so close against me as we ate cause we're all big guys...” Deuce had never been more thankful for a small table and to be sitting with a group of big guys in his life.

Nick’s grin grew wider, “You liked me...” he sing-songed, just like he did the first time Deacon confessed this to him.

Deuce laughed as he sing-songed back to him. “Maybe.”

“You did. It's okay. Another little secret.” Nick said, still grinning, “I'd been crushing on you for weeks so...”

 “I think I had been too... I just couldn't admit it to myself. And when we were together during dinner and…I felt that spark...” Deuce sighed softly, his voice barely above a whisper “still do...”

“I...” Nick had to clear his throat again, than sighed, “They say that physical attraction always dies away, right? So, in a few months...” but Nick knew it wouldn’t die for him, he just knew. Besides, it was more than physical attraction for him and he couldn’t imagine there would be a time when he wouldn't long for Deacon. And wasn't that a bitch. Again with the unrequited love.

Deuce felt sad, knowing that he wouldn't be able to get Nick out of his head or his heart- “A few months, huh...?”

Nick shrugged, “I guess. What the fuck do I know? This is the first time that I've...” felt like this. He stopped short, realizing his slip and tried to switch to a lighter tone. “… Ah...who knows? We'll see I guess.”

“Yeah, first time for me too... Hopefully it's not months, don't think I could last that long...” The very thought of months without Nick was causing Deuce’s heart to completely break.

First time for you too? What do you mean, D? Do you mean...you’ve never felt like this either? But that couldn’t be right, and Nick knew it was better not to ask, “Eh, you'll be fine! And like I said, I'm here so...Just concentrate on being happy, ok? Don't think about me, just...” Nick shook head.

 “It was a hell of a lot of firsts for me this week, Nicky...” Deuce smiled sadly. “Not going to be able to not think about you...”

“Yeah, well...I had some firsts too, so...feelings mutual,” Nick admitted, “Just...I want you to try to be happy. I mean if this is what you want, than you've gotta go for it. Make the best of it.” Make it worth it, baby. Make this pain worth it.

Deuce lowered his voice when Livi walked outside and started to cross over to him, sounding unhappy about it.  “I should go...”

“Yeah, ok.” Nick could tell by the change in D’s voice that his girl must have just arrived, “Take care, Deacon.”

Deuce closed his eyes when Livi put her hands on his shoulders, kissing the top of his head, remembering Nick kissing his hair.  “You too, Nick... we'll talk later, okay?”

“Yeah sure.” Nick answered, knowing it wasn’t true. He squeezed his eyes shut, God his stomach was in knots, “Bye, D.” Please don’t forget me…don’t forget what we had.

Deuce tried to keep his voice steady as he said his goodbyes. “Bye Nick.”  He hung up with a soft sigh, making sure there was a mask of a smile on his face as he turned to look back at Livi. 

Livi smiled softly as she ran her fingers through Deuce’s hair, tugging his head back to rest against her hip as she massaged his scalp, hoping that it would help him relax. She knew the masks he wore better than he thought she did and right now, she knew that he wasn’t happy and that he was fighting against whatever was going on inside of his brain. “Come on, I’ve got breakfast for us.” She bent over, planting a soft kiss on his lips.

Deuce smiled up at her, nodding his head slightly. “I’ll be in, in a few seconds, promise.” He watched her walk back inside, rubbing his eyes as he pushed himself up onto his feet. That conversation had taken more out of him that he ever thought it would. He squeezed his phone tightly, wanting no more than to call Nick and tell him that he had changed his mind, that he wanted to take it all back and that he wanted to be with him and not Livi.

But he also knew that another call to Nick was more than he could handle. As much as Deuce liked Nick, and as hard and fast as he was falling for him, he wasn’t brave enough to go through with it. He wasn’t brave enough to risk getting hurt by someone that he had always known to be a huge flirt and could never stay in a relationship longer than a few weeks. He didn’t want to lose two years and a great relationship because he was too fucking scared of getting hurt when Nick found someone else to lust after. And to top it all off, he wasn’t brave enough to admit to himself, or to anyone else, that he was falling in love with another man.

He was scared to death and instead of dealing with it, he was going to push things aside and pretend like it wasn’t happening. Nick would be okay. He was Nick. He was strong and brave and could make it through anything. Including this. He hoped.

Miss you already. Deuce whispered softly, kissing his fingers and then blowing the kiss toward the water. And toward Nick. He’d made his choice and he was going to have to live with it, no matter how much it hurt.

Nick stared at the phone a moment after ending the call. He rested his elbows on his knees and hung his head, phone in hand. He’d had a feeling this was coming from the time they’d first kissed, so why did it hurt so fucking much? He should have been prepared for this. A wave of anger overtook him. Not at Deacon, not at all, but at himself for allowing this to happen. Once again he’d fallen in love with a man he couldn’t have; and how ironic was it that once again it was with a fucking Grady. Jesus Christ, Nick must’ve been a real bastard in his past life to deserve this shit. Hell, maybe he’d been a bastard a time or two too often in this one.

He’d paid his dues though, hadn’t he? He’d been through hell enough times? He didn’t want much, really, he just wanted to be in love and be happy. And D did that for him, made Nick feel…Fuck! So what if he was feeling sorry for himself, God damnit, why couldn’t this one fucking thing work out for him?!

Nick grunted through his clenched jaw as he chucked his phone against the wall with such force it broke into pieces, case and all.  He rested his face in his hands and took several deep breaths, trying to calm himself. Trying to get the tight feeling in his chest to loosen up.

It was a good thing he’d broken his phone really, because all Nick wanted to do was call Deacon back and tell him that he wasn’t ok with any of this. He wanted to tell D that he could make him happy, that he could be a relationship kind of guy, that he wanted a relationship with Deacon. That they could be together; that they should be together, because what they had was special. It was extraordinary, and Nick wanted it back. He wanted Deacon so damned bad it hurt. Fuck it hurt. Nick rubbed his chest. So, this is why they called it heartache, huh? Because it literally felt like Nick’s heart was breaking.

He leaned back on the couch and ran his hands through his hair. His stomach twisted at the thought of Deacon with his girl right now. Yeah, D sounded sad at the good bye, and Nick was sure he was, but was there a part of Deacon that was sort of relived now? He could be with his girl without having this conversation hanging over his head. Without the guilt. He could give her his all.

It was going to be okay. Nick took a deep breath through his nose and closed his eyes. It was going to be okay. He wasn’t going to allow himself to hold on and waste another twenty years of his life pining for a man he’d never have. He needed to get his shit together fast this time. He’d be okay. Yep, he was going to be just fine. All he had to do was keep reminding himself of that and maybe he’d eventually believe it. 

"Against All Odds" ~ Phil Collins