If You Wanna Hate Me, Hate Me, I Can Take It. But…
Do you think it’s fair to judge someone you don’t even know
by one mistake? You can call me an
asshole for making a move on the man I’ve been in love with for my entire adult
life at the absolute wrong time, I get that. Not going to argue with you there.
Call me a pussy because I’d waited so long. Yeah, nothing I haven’t called
myself for the exact same reason. When you’re raised in a family, and in a
neighborhood, were you’re expected to be a man’s man (but not in that way) and then join the Marine’s,
where if you’re anything but purely hetro you risk not only your brothers
turning on you, but being discharged from your career, you build up a fear - a
wall around your true feelings. I fought the way I felt for so long, it became
second nature.
So, yeah, the thought of telling my best friend I was in love with him? Terrifying, man. This
is the running argument that went through my head for years: “Tell him, you
never know, he could feel the same way and the two of you could be really
happy” - followed by - “Are you fucking crazy asshole? He has never given you
any indication that he swings that way. He’s going to be repulsed, and things
will never be the same between you. Hell, he may never even talk to you again.”
So yeah, I was scared, a pussy, a chicken shit in that situation. But guess
what? I’ve risked my life for my Country. I’ve gone into the God forsaken
dessert, faced the Devil, and came out on the other mother fucking side. I put
my life on the line everyday on the job, and no matter how much I fuck with my
partner; I’d take a bullet for him. No question. I have a big, tight knit
family, and lots of buddies that I’d do anything for and vice versa. I’m
honest, sometimes to a fault. I still laugh at fart jokes. I tear up during
those damn Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercials. I visit my Gran at least once a
week and I even donate to the fucking Red Cross. Besides, would an incredible
man such as Ty be best friends with a shady, jerk off coward? Nah, I don’t
think so.
He and I were the Dynamite Duo in the corps (and no, I’m not
spelling dynamic wrong. I know who Batman and Robin are. I’m bisexual for
Christ’s sake, I can appreciate men in tights), not because people thought we
were so awesome, but because if shit blew up chances were we were behind it. We
were inseparable, played the best practical jokes on every fuckin’ body, stayed
up late in our bunks laughing our asses off about shit only he and I
understood. More importantly, we confided in each other about our fears and
feelings without ever worrying that the other would think us less of a man.
Plus he’s damn gorgeous, and brave and strong and honest and wicked funny, how
could I not fall in love?
Why did I make my move on that night? Oh hell, I could blame
the beer but that’s just lame. The truth? I could give you many reasons, none
necessarily legit. I finally found out he wouldn’t be disgusted by my
sexuality. He told a man he loved him and the guy said nothing back for TWO
FUCKING MONTHS. He wouldn’t answer me when I asked if Zane was using him for sex. He
hoped Zane was being monogamous, and thought Zane loved him back, doesn’t
sound like a ringing endorsement to me. I know Ty well enough to know something
was bothering him, and it was more than just his coming out to the team. Forget
about the fact that if Ty had told me
he loved me, not only would I have said it back immediately, I’d have taken out
an ad in the Boston fucking Herald, I was also worried that my best friend was
going to get hurt (as were Kelly and Digger, I might add). I met Zane. Yeah he
was good-looking and seemed nice enough, but the next night? That conversation
I had with Ty and seeing him so vulnerable? Hell, how could I not think I would be a better choice for
him? That I could make him happy and love him like he deserved? I’m not trying
to blame Ty, I’m really not, I’d rather take the shrapnel, I’m just relaying
how the conversation went, or at least how I perceived it to go.
With all of those thoughts in my head, and yeah with the
beer lubing me up (don’t be a pervert), and all of those years of holding back
my feelings – I lost my resolve. I made my move. I don’t know why, I can’t
explain it, but at that moment I just felt like I had to finally put it all out
there. Was it a dick move? Fuck yeah. That’s why I pulled back, apologized and
left, although I couldn’t leave without letting him know he had options. I lay
awake that night feeling horrible for putting Ty in that position though and
wandered if I did the right thing. If he felt the same way, he’d be torn
between me and Zane. If he didn’t feel
the same way, he’d feel like he was hurting me and letting me down. I was also
scared that my worst fear would come true and I would lose Ty’s friendship.
Because above all else? Ty is my best friend, first and foremost. I want him in
my life until he’s crying at my deathbed (he already knows this is a
requirement). No, I didn’t feel bad about Zane at the time, can’t apologize for
the truth. Now that I know him better, know that he loves Ty and makes him
happy? I’d never pull that shit behind his back again.
So there you go. I made a mistake. I apologized to the
person who deserved the apology, and he forgave me. We’re cool, and thank God
our friendship is intact. I’ll have to live with not knowing what would have
happened if I’d confessed my feelings sooner, but that’s my cross to bear.
So, still hate me if
you want to, whatever, I don’t fucking know you either.
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