The thing about New England is its
cold a lot of the year, so when just a hint of warm weather makes an appearance
people go fucking wild. I’m not talking heat wave temps here, I mean days like
today where the sun is shining and the thermometer in the car reads sixty two.
The girls break out the skimpy clothes and strut around trying to impress the
guys who are sitting out on their stoops talking sports with their neighbors.
It’s like they haven’t seen each other since last summer even though they live
right next door. I guess when bears hibernate they don’t socialize either.
So as we’re driving along, Rico
at the wheel of course, I’m just watching the scenery. I admire the girls in
their daisy dukes, though honesty I’m more intrigued by the muscles the guys are
revealing in their tank tops, but the entire time I’m just waiting for the bomb
to drop and get a call. Probably something like a drive by, or a stabbing, or maybe
even a robbery, because give us Bostonians a bit of warmth and we just love to share
that shit with each other.
What I wasn’t expecting when we
got to the disturbance call happening at the ice cream shop was a very large
woman having a melt down because they didn’t carry her favorite flavor.
“Here they are now!” Her arm flew
up in the air as we entered causing shock waves to course down her brown skin to
her elbow. She was wearing dark grey spandex shorts and a black tank that left
very little to the imagination. And God how I wished she’d left it up to the
imagination. Although I must say, what she lacked in fashion sense she made up for
with a fancy hairstyle and perfectly manicured nails. “I want to file a
complaint!”
I addressed the pretty mocha
skinned girl behind the counter that was probably in her early twenties, “Are
you the one who called?” She shook her head.
“No I called!” the customer
yelled, “Didn’t you hear me? I said I want to file a complaint.”
“What seems to be the problem ma’am?”
Rico asked her.
“They out of chocolate chip mint.
How you run out of chocolate chip mint?” She grabbed a large cup of ice cream
from the counter to show us, “She trying to pacify me with the white version. I
want the green shit.”
“You know,” I said, “My friend
and I were just talking about this the other day. The McDonald’s by him was out
of the shamrock shake all thru March. It’s fucking ridiculous. The public likes
the green mint.”
“Exactly!” she threw her arm up
again then slapped her thigh. “See what that man say?” She asked the girl
behind the counter, “And he a cop.”
“Not helping.” Rico uttered to me
before turning his attention back to the woman, “So what is it exactly you want
us to do?”
“I want to file a complaint!” She
screamed at him, “Haven’t you been listening to me?” she pointed to the ice
cream server, “And give her a ticket or something. She has a bad attitude.”
“I gave you a discount on your
cup. What else would you like me to do?” the girl’s voice shook a bit when she
talked, but she seemed confident that we’d back her up.
“I’d like you to get your skinny
ass in the back room and find me some mint!”
“I told you we don’t have any
back there. We only have the white kind! Only the white!”
“That shit’s racist.” I muttered as
I shook my head while the women continued to argue. Rico, of course, shot me the
stink eye.
“You two need to knock it off
now,” Rico said, using his officer Hernandez voice. As the two quieted down,
Rico turned his attention back to the customer, “We can’t give her a ticket.
There is nothing we can do here. You can’t call 911 because you don’t like your
ice cream. That is for emergency’s only, got it? Now, go enjoy what she gave
you or go to another shop, either way you need to leave out of here.”
She narrowed her eyes as if she
were a charging bull targeting the red cape “Fuck you!” and with that, she
tossed her discounted large white treat all over Rico’s chest. Time stopped as
his jaw tightened and the ice cream slid down his badge and blues to end with a
plop on the linoleum.
“Oh no she didn’t. “ The girl
behind the counter and I said at the same time. She and I exchanged a quick
glance before I focused back on the situation at hand.
“Put your hands behind your back.”
Rico said.
“Fuck you!” the woman yelled
again.
“Put. Your. Hands. Behind your
back.” Rico repeated as he went for his cuffs, “You’re under arrest for
assaulting a police officer.”
“Oh no I ain’t” she said as she
faked right. For a plus sized lady she was pretty agile on her feet. She almost
made it past Rico on his left as he grabbed for her and I braced for the intercept,
but she slipped on the ice cream, her flip flop flying off, and they both went
down.
I took a step back to give them
room to wrestle. Unless Rico was really in trouble I may cause more damage than
good by getting involved. Besides I was wearing my last clean uniform and I
didn’t want to drive around for the rest of the day smelling like soar milk.
I watched as they slipped and slid
in the dairy goodness. Rico was trying to get a good hold on the dairy queen as
she scrabbled for purchase on the wet and sticky floor. Fuck, it was better than
Jello wrestling night at Club Fantasies, I just wished I had someone to place bets with.
I briefly consider a wager with the cute girl behind the counter but figured
that was probably unprofessional. Besides, she already had her iPhone out and
was capturing the whole exchange on video. Shit, why hadn’t I thought of that?
Just as well, again that may be construed as unethical. Finally Rico got the
cuffs on and hauled large Marge to her feet. They were both breathing hard as
he read her, her rights and hauled her out of the door.
I gingerly stepped over the mess
on the floor and approached the employee to take her statement. Her name was
Lisa, and after I recorded her account I pulled out my business card to write
my e-mail address on the back.
“Hey, can you do me a favor?” I
asked as I handed her the card, “think you can send me that video?”
“Sure,” she giggled. “I won’t get
in trouble right?”
“No, not at all, you’d be doing
me a favor.” I slipped a five into the tip cup and gave her a wink, “Thanks
darlin’.”
Later, after Ms. Mint was booked
and Rico was squeaky clean, he refused to talk to me. I tried everything, even
offered to buy him lunch, but he didn’t budge. I mean it wasn’t my fault I couldn’t
stop the laughter from bursting forth every time the image popped back into my
head. Probably didn’t help that I asked him if he was dairy intolerant or told
him how cute he’d look with whipped cream and a cherry on top of his head.
That’s okay he’ll get over it and
forgive me eventually, he always does. Well, at least until I received that
e-mail from Lisa and have Doug the tech guy set it on loop in the break room.
It’s going be a perfect accompaniment with the coffee and donuts before roll
call.
For now, I can't wait to get off duty so I pick up some ice cream on my way home. I have a craving. I'll stick with strawberry though.
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| Good Mint |
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| Bad Mint |
LMFAO
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